Breaking Free from Codependency: Empowering Yourself in Relationships
Codependency is a word often misunderstood and used to shame individuals, making them believe that mistreatment is their responsibility. However, by gaining a deeper understanding of codependency, we can empower ourselves to walk away from people who take advantage of us.
My personal journey with understanding codependency began several years after my divorce. I dated a little, yet repeatedly found myself in the same kinds of situations (or situation-ships you’d probably say). I’d spend months of my life, waiting to be chosen, only to end up disappointed when they just “wanted to be friends.” At the time, I didn’t really think I was being rejected. But to be honest, I didn’t really feel accepted and valued either.
Worse yet, I didn’t know how to deal with the in-between space. Was I supposed to answer that text? Should I reach out? I felt a sense of loyalty (and definitely the anxiety) to make it work, even though these situations weren’t fulfilling for me.
Talking this through with a therapist, I became more and more aware of this internal “tug-of-war” between what I felt like I should do and what I wanted to do. When I explained I felt like just staying put, my therapist asked me a profound question:
Why?
Why did I feel the need to be loyal to these individuals? Why did they need me to help carry their burdens? This question sparked a realization that my feelings were driving my actions, out of fear and anxiety of what would happen if I didn't show up.
What is Codependency?
Codependency manifests in various ways, such as people-pleasing, over-caretaking, excusing others' harmful behavior, not speaking up for oneself, and seeking validation and approval from others. These patterns stem from copying or adapting to unhealthy patterns from relating in our families of origin. While these patterns often stem from a need to survive and cope with dysfunctional dynamics and trauma, in the long run they can prevent us from experiencing healthy, mutual relationships and expose us to manipulation and abuse.
It's important to note that any abuse or mistreatment you have experienced is not your fault. People choose to engage in harmful behavior, and we are not responsible for their choices. However, codependent patterns often lead us to settle for unhealthy relationships instead of removing ourselves and establishing higher standards of how we expect to be treated.
Identifying our choices as patterns of codependency means we are empowered to recognize, call out, and break free from this pattern of relating.
Understanding codependency from a psychological perspective, we see that it involves a preoccupation or over-dependence on another person. This can manifest as over-caretaking and prioritizing others' emotions over our own. It also involves worrying about how others perceive us and modifying our behavior to avoid devaluation.
Codependency in the Bible
When we dig into the Word, we can see that this tendency in relationships is a product of the fall and is a distortion of God's original design for relationships.
In the creation account, we see that Adam and Eve were meant to have a mutual, reciprocal relationship. Eve was likely not a “rib” as is often suggested- a closer look at the Hebrew indicates that Eve was better understood as the “side” of Adam. Each possessed attributes the other did not, and together Adam and Eve were meant to be a picture of completeness in the Creator, each with their own dignity and uniqueness.
This is why the phrase “helpmate suitable” is so often misunderstood- a more proper rendering of this phrase indicates an equal partner who is fit to walk alongside another, serving in ways the other cannot.
Ultimately, God's intention was for us to trust in Him and find safety in belonging to Him, rather than looking to one another for validation and acceptance. However, sin disrupted this harmony and created a tension in relationships that didn’t exist before. Genesis 3:16 shows this shift when God says to Eve, “your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” God had originally designed for our primary relationship with Him to be so connected that out of the overflow of knowing His love, we would share that love with one another in mutual care. But now that Adam and Eve’s relationship with God had been ruptured, now what should have been a beautiful display of unity and reciprocity suddenly became a fractious competition, a hierarchy of needs.
In this verse, we note that Eve would have a desire to have her needs met by Adam, but Adam would now have to divert much of his attention to work, merely for the two of them to survive. Now there would be strife in the competing priorities in having needs met, which would invite in a host of other issues for mankind: jealousy, loneliness, rejection, anxiety, insecurity, neglect, etc.
I don’t want you to get hung up on the genders here; this competition of needs can happen to both men and women in a variety of relational contexts. We see this dynamic in all kinds of situations, whether romantic relationships, friendships, parent/child relationships, etc.
So knowing this isn’t the way God planned for things to be, how can we get back to what He designed?
Knowing Who God Says You Are: The Path to Healing
Breaking free from codependency means we have to get back to prioritizing God's evaluation of us and recognize our worthiness as His beloved children. When we do this, we better understand how to restore mutuality to our relationships.. Embarking on this process involves exploring our own identity, interests, and gifts in the Lord, rather than using them to please people. We must also realize that who we are is valuable to the Lord, and resist the urge to change our downplay ourselves, thereby losing ourselves in relationships.
Knowing who we are also helps us learn to say “no” to things that aren’t for us and establish healthy boundaries, trusting that God's approval is more important than people's opinions, rejection, or disappointment. Knowing our own worth also helps us avoid putting others on pedestals and instead see them as flawed individuals, allowing for healthier and more balanced relationships.
Additionally, many people who struggle with codependency also struggle with being highly self-critical and tend to base their sense of worth on how well they perform in one way or another. They also set high standards for themselves, yet feel like they don’t measure up. To heal, we must realize these are measures of worth God does not place on us, and we must replace self-criticism with the truth of God's love for us.
Breaking free from codependency is challenging and may initially increase anxiety and discomfort. However, by taking these steps and aligning ourselves with God's design for relationships, we can experience freedom, flourishing, and a deeper sense of self-worth.